Today I have thoughts that distress me in a way that makes me know they are not poem. I nurture my anger at those who do not acknowledge my claim to their praise at those who are offended by my way of being annoyance at how people look in the library sitting in my line of sight. When I have conversations these days I get on about not liking something talking myself into feelings I do not otherwise have. Get off the ramp get off the ramp as an instinct of self-preservation. I am the person still moved by poem.

At this moment I am a person who needs the beautiful as a purification or an alternative like religion. An idea against which I react since I identify as a female person from whom beauty just flows. I like to see my manner as natural. Reading Northanger Abbey earlier led me to go off on myself by saying my voice when I write poetry seems natural in the same way as the voice of Austen’s narrator. The voice of the narrator of Northanger Abbey with the consciousness of the heroine filtered through.

Except the function of my distance is not to critique but to enable the heroine whose ignorance helps her get a rich husband. I get a husband by excluding his knowledge of all others. I would rather not I would rather not exclude. The poet by whom I am moved says that the voice I use excludes “the leaky, the hurting, the abjectly religious” all of whom compromise the stoplessflowybladelikesparkledsmooth I try to achieve. I see what I am up to when I speak in the way that seems natural and may have been in the nineteenth century.

What I am up to is helping myself. Only hurting the part that already hurts does not matter. The prettiness I can achieve is inherently mean. That is why Austen and certainly Woolf can be mean to their characters for things that are not their fault like ugliness. I feel ugliest when I am hurt. Like when I showed my lower body to a man for the first time and he came in without stopping. After that I had the feeling of not being able to keep over the body the skirt I wore which was flowy floral tan and pink.